Things I can't stand in life 2

1. My spelling- I don't think that this entry is going to be rather funny or clever.  I'm just using this as a way to say "I"m sorry" for my bad spelling.  I have no idea why I was blessed with the appreciation and pleasure to write when I have so many spelling errors. Its like someone who wants to paint but they have arthritis so badly that they can't hold the brush properly. Thank goodness for the addition of spell checker but if I'm in a hurry I can replace a word with the wrong one etc., so its not always an easy fix. And though most people judge spelling and grammar errors as being a sign of sub-intelligence, there has been a pretty big anti-spelling/ grammar movement.  i meen sinc most ppl are tlkn lik this  mayb ill blend n w/ evry1 else!1!1! lolz!11 After reading that I feel a lot better spelling "offense" as "offence".

2. That metal lip on the bottom of the shower door- I like taking showers rather than baths. I don't find baths that relaxing. The idea of me getting in there dirty and then soaking in my own microbial filth is enough for me to leave my large, deep, garden soaking tub mostly unused. I have used it exactly one time.  For me to take a bath, I would have to take a shower first so that I would get clean, then get out, wait for the water tank to heat up again so that I can take a bath for relaxation. I usually forgo the idea somewhere between me getting out of the shower and me waiting for the water tank to do its business. I'm clean and I have stuff to do.  Yeah, I'm definitely a fan of showers.  That is why I feel so betrayed when my sole/foot/toe comes into contact with that stupid metal lip on the bottom of the shower door.  You know the one I'm talking about, the one they have to put there, jutting up in all of its 3/4" glory, for there to be a proper seal so water won't leak out.   The pain is quite singular and hurts a heck of a lot. I think its due to the whole experience. Imagine me sitting there for the water to warm up, semi-sleepy because my husband decided to dream he was in a marathon the night before (complete with corporeal dramatizations), I keep saying to myself that I'll be fine as soon as I take my shower.  I slowly extend my foot ready to be embraced in the warm watery goodness when I hear a "thwick".  As soon as my sleepy brain tries to process what an unusual noise that was, and where have I heard it before, the pain radiates from my big toe.  How can hitting your toe hurt so bad?   I mean really, its just a toe.  But that persistent dull hollow pain followed by the "whomp, whomp, whomp" side effect is terrible.  Though, sometimes I get lucky.  Sometimes when I take my first step I clear the evil metal lip. When my brain just barely begins to process victory, my other leg follows and lo and behold, that toe gets clipped, causing me to fall foreword and get a face full of bath scrunchie. What can I say, life is rough for me.

3. Telemarketers-Yes, I know this is an easy one.  I mean who likes telemarketers?  I know they are just trying to do their job but now that we've moved into a house, it beyond ridiculous.  So far I have received calls as early as 7:45am on a Sunday and as late as 9:15pm on any given day of the week.  Most of the time I just let it go to voicemail because we haven't really had a reason to give out our home number (I don't think we would even have a home number but we need it for our security system). I know if it rings then its a telemarketer. Sometimes if I'm in a vindictive mood I'll pick up the phone and mess with them.  Here are some of the ones I have done personally:

1. Ask them if they've found Jesus and if they would like to get to know Him better
2. Saying that I don't own a phone after being asked if I wanted to switch my long distance (they actually believed me)
3. After getting a call for carpet cleaning, I asked them if they can remove blood.  They asked me what kind (yeah I found that odd too). I replied, mostly goat and a little bit of human.
4. Asking them if they want to hear something really neat.  If they say yes, then hang up on them.
5.  After they've identified me as the person they want to talk to, I put down the phone and just walk away.
6. Answer No to everything once they start their spiel.
7. Say "You know I don't have my credit card number with me right now, may I have yours?"

I'm in the process of putting us on the national do-not-call list, but sometimes telemarketers are a good source of entertainment.

4. My Cat- Sometimes I just don't understand you.  I mean really I would kill to have your life.  You sleep 19 hours a day, you get unconditional love, you eat food four times a day that you don't work for, your water is filtered, you poop in my house which then gets cleaned up, you get any toy your little kitty heart desires, and you have a brother to play with.  So then tell me why in the world are you sitting at my feet whining your head off?  And its not a cute whine is it?  I can deal with a sweet mewling every now and again but no, you have to emit this sound that is a cacophony (should have been named cat-cophony if you ask me).  I don't know why you do this.  I try to hold you and give you love and you want down, I played with you until you're exhausted, I know you just fed so you can be hungry, and I"m not helping you poop- you know where the litter box is. I know there isn't any Siamese in you or else I would understand why you're so vocal.  Come on, you're a big strapping tabby, quit acting like a queen. Hey, while I've been ranting you've gotten quiet.  Oh...you're eating a dust bunny you found in the corner.  Great...

5. The Black Eyed Peas- You know, I was going to let it go. I gave my little jab when I was talking about The Christmas Shoes in my previous "Thing I can't stand" and I was going to let sleeping dogs lie.  But combined with a super bowl performance that had me missing Janet Jackson's right breast to the release of their new song, I just can't be rendered silent.  I never liked The Black Eyed Peas. The first song that introduced me to their music was the notorious "My Humps".  I can remember me just trying to grasp why this song was popular.  But then again I have a hard time grasping why any pop music is popular.  There's little substance, rhymes are forced, absolutely no new themes or ideas, and with the use of auto-tune, you don't have to be talented to be able to be a star. The only thing I've come to grips with is that pop music is just for fun.  The tunes are catchy and repetitive and I bet if I had four shots of tequila, I could see getting into it.

Yeah, so back to "My Humps", a whopper of a piece saying nothing but a girl using her body to get gifts from guys (nothing we haven't heard before but this presentation seems to really grate on me).  Combine that with the droning music and the terrible lyrics and I began to really hate the group.  I figured it would get better but then they came out with songs like Boom Boom Pow, Imma Bee, and I Gotta Feeling.  I just don't understand it, there is nothing redeeming about these songs. But yet they're still making money off of fans that I can only assume to be brainwashed.

I was just set on ignoring them but then they had to screw with my childhood and that can never be tolerated.  Enter their newest song: The Time.  Where we have Will.I.Am (who's first name is William...cute) singing The Time of My Life.  If only you could have seen my face when I first heard this.  I think the expression would have made the my personal top 10 list of horrified expressions. The Time of My Life is iconic, almost reaching sacred ground of the 80's.  At the very least, it was sung by Bill Medley.  And you don't mess with songs sung by Bill Medley! But nope, here we have Will.I.Am and Fergie singing a perverted rendition of the song before it is reduce to nothing more than another mess for the clubs hit.  They don't even get the lyrics right.  I mean you would be pretty ticked off is some Johnny Castle look-alike said "Nobody puts Baby in a nook." You would just screw your face up with disgusted confusion. The rest of the song...downhill from there.  They rhyme "maggots" with "baddest", apl.de.ap makes a joke about ladies downloading an app (because you know..he's apl.de.ap), and probably the worst use of auto tune I have ever heard.  I did manage to agree with one aspect of the music video.  Around minute 3:07 there was a girl throwing up pixilated puke and I could totally empathize with that. And news flash: rhyming swagger with Mick Jagger has already been done. If you're down with ripping off someone like Ke$ha, then maybe you're in more trouble than you think you are. 

Maybe that's the one thing I can hold out for.  They're singing that they had the time of their life; not having or going to have.  So maybe they've realized that they're on the downward slope and they'll break up before they can crank out more abominations.  I can only hope.