I am what I am

I realized something today.  Here I've been rambling out into cyber space as The mad Scientist and I haven't really given a reason as why I claim to be who I am. I might have hinted or given a tidbit now and again but I think its time to broaden that topic a little bit.  I'll try to be brief but I urge you to get comfy, this could take a while. I guess I've always been in love with science. As I've said in a previous post, I got my first microscope when I was six.  I remember as I was taking it out of the packaging I sliced open my finger.  My mom was nearby and instead of giving me a band-aid she gave me a glass slide so I could do a blood smear and examine it under the microscope.  After that the pre-made slides of pollen or a bee's detached leg wasn't nearly as cool. I wanted to know more about the world around me and science was the best vehicle for me to learn. I'll skip over my grade and middle school days because they weren't that interesting academically other than providing a decent foundation for learning (well as decent as public schooling can get). I did well grade-wise and my only regret was that I wasn't as emotionally mature as I was mentally.  Fast forward to Highschool. Not much there either other than I did well with my studies and grades (though AP history and chemistry I struggled with).  My ACT/SAT scores were high but not on genius level and I didn't have above a 4.0 so there wasn't much coming my way in terms of scholarships.  I did get about 9-12 hours (I can't remember) of college credit from AP testing which was nice.  Probably my favorite year was my senior year, not because it was my last year in school but because I felt like I finally had freedom to chose my classes.  So I took band, the obligatory math class, 2 AP courses and 3 science classes.  That was probably the only year where I was truly happy with my course schedule. 

 When I enrolled at OU I was lost as to what I wanted to do with my life.  In my youth I wanted to be a vet and breed show dogs.  Then once Bricker died I didn't want to be a vet anymore.  I knew I wanted to do something with science but I couldn't be a doctor like so many people thought I should be.  I can't get around sick people and I have this weird nerve problem with my hands where one mirrors the others movements so I didn't have the independent dexterity to sew sutures or do complex operations as a surgeon. I didn't fit the typical OU mold of get a degree in Zoology and be Pre-Med.  For two years I struggled with what I wanted to be.  I knew it had to do with science so I took those pre-recs but I had to declare before my first 60 hours of school was completed. So I sad down and thought and thought.  I realized I needed to answer two things: my purpose as a scientist and what I enjoyed most about science.  That is where I got my answer; I wanted to help people and my favorite thing to do is work with a microscope. Finally I had it, clear as day.  I declared myself as a Microbiology professional major with the intent to do research. Funny because declaring as a professional degree meant a lot more chemistry and I barely made it out of chemistry alive in high school.   Not very many people go in to the degree with the intent to do research.  Microbiology was for pre-meds once again who had enough sense that if they didn't get into med school at least they had something decent to fall back on.  But the idea scope work, combined with a sterile environment, and a field ripe with undiscovered questions appealed to me in such a way that I experienced euphoria when I went to my classes. Some of them were extremely difficult but I didn't mind it because since I had to study so much I wasn't memorizing to pass an exam, I was actually learning.  And with that knowledge I was shaping my appreciation and wonder of the world around me. There is another world out there. A world we can't see but yet its there.  It thrives and changes the way we live.  It sustains life one moment and is our undoing the next. And I very much wanted to be apart of that world; to understand it and cultivate that knowledge for the betterment of our society.

It was at that time that I began working in the lab of one of my professors.  In that lab I learned more than I could ever hope to learn in books.  I got experience.  I went in there without even knowing how to use a pipetter and I walked out a changed person and a better scientist.  It was there that I discovered the idea of identifying potentially new species of bacteria with DNA extraction and identification with the help of something called Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR).  It was nothing short of amazing and it provided the fuel for a little flame that had been burning in my mind for several years.  When I was in high school I wanted to be a Forensic Pathologist.  I had to abandon the idea because I had to go to med school and then get four years of specialized training on top of that.  I knew I would never make it. But with the idea of DNA analysis with PCR, I started doing some research and that is when I applied to grad school at UCO for Forensic Science.

I appreciated my time as a microbiologist, loved it even, but I feel more at home as a Forensic Chemist. To me its the best of both worlds because I can combine my microbiology skills and teachings to better help me succeed with Forensic Chemistry.  I call myself a Forensic Chemist simply because if you say Forensic Science everyone thinks you're CSI.  As of right now, I am not CSI  My admiration knows no bounds to those people who want to do crime scenes or technical investigations day after day  When I come in contact with a body or a sample, it's in a confined, controlled space.  It's removed from the outside world; it's sterile.  Sterile as in to me it is just a body.  To them it might be someone who was walking their dog, a motorist, someone in the middle of paying bills, someone who said they would run to the store and that they would be back, someone who had parents fraught with worry.   I would imagine its a tough job to work the field.  If the cards ever fall towards that favor then I would consider it a great opportunity.   Fortunately though,  I'm in love enough with the laboratory that I like to analyze what they bring in.  Though I did take a Crime Scene Processing class as one of my electives so I could better understand what those people go through in order to bring me something I can use.  It is more complex than it seems. I enjoyed my time at UCO because I learned so much and could still focus on my love of DNA.  My second favorite area would probably be trace evidence because lets face it, I like working with the microscope, but I also had interest in toxicology and even digital forensics and firearm/ballistic forensic work.

And I'm sure you're wondering so I'll answer this question: No, I've never seen a full episode of CSI in my life. I tried one time and all I gathered is that they have like 4 people doing the work of 100 and every dang piece of equipment in the laboratory glows blue. And its really REALLY flawed, so much so, I couldn't sit there and watch it.  After I heard the phrase "the gas chromatogram is on the microscope for observation," I shook my head and turned it off. Shows like CSI are the scourge of the forensic field. They alter opinions of the public, and that's not good during jury trials.  For example a defense attorney could create doubt of credibility for an expert witness when DNA analysis took 4 months to perform.  People now expect turn around could be a couple of days when that is hardly ever the case.  They could ask what took them so long, maybe they had some problems etc. Even if you establish that is the normal time frame, it still creates doubt in people's minds.  Its romanticized, and I never thought forensic work to be edgy or cool.  It is my job to help piece together what happened to a person that can no longer speak for themselves.  To me lies cannot come from evidence for they always speak the truth. Unfortunately, in most cases, I cannot help a victim directly but I can help their family and society find some peace of mind.

Has it changed me personally? yes and no.  I've always wanted to help people so I get the satisfaction of that however, I do deal with the dregs of society.  Your perception changes. For example, if I hear a suspicious noise or what I think are playful screams of children outside I always notice what time it is.  I don't see those stickers families put on their cars depicting the football number and name of their kid as cute, I see it as all the information a pedophile needs to know. The worse ones are those that depict the entire family and have their names underneath. If I don't hear from someone for a few days, there is a little twinge of panic.  Because lets face it, bad things happen to completely innocent people. I just get more up close and personal reminders of that than most. But I think that I'm in the right place in life and I made the right decisions for me.  I think that I have completed my goal that I set out to accomplish 19 years ago when I first cut my finger on my microscope. And because of that, I will be forever grateful.