Five Random Things I Can't Stand In LIfe

I'm bringing this over from one of my facebook notes so this is a repeat.  I'll slowly start to upload things from facebook once I get some time.


Five Random Things I Can't Stand In Life-

1. Truck Nutz- I hate these things.  They’re just not funny. I can only imagine the line of dialogue that would come streaming out of ol’ Earl’s mouth amidst the rusted out appliances on the front lawn and the belches of Bud Light.  “Hey Roy,” He would say, “You know what our trucks need?  A symbol to show off our virility as we drive down the street. Yeah, you’re right Roy; we already have lift kits and mud flaps with naked chicks on them.  I got it! Let’s give our trucks a pair.  That’s what they’re missing.  You’re right Roy, it would be hilarious if we made them blue!” There are so many things wrong with that.  First being the unshakeable rule that all cars are girls, no questions asked.  The second thing is that YOU’RE GIVING YOUR TRUCK TESTICLES…yeah, let that sink in a bit…testicles.  Why is that funny?  Especially since you’re outfitting your truck with equipment that is much bigger than yours.  Is this giving you something to aspire to? I just don’t get it.

1. The Chick-fil-a outcry- I know you already have some idea of what I’m going to say but I’ll throw you a curve ball here. I’m not going to weigh in on the whole controversy of Chick-fil-a being anti-gay, however, I will comment on the following.  I keep getting comments on facebook feed, or in public, heck, I even heard one yesterday as I was waiting for Nate to get Breathe Right strips at wal-mart.    The general statement I keep hearing from people who want to protest Chick-fil-a is this, “I can’t believe that Chick-fil-a would take an anti-gay stance, it’s disgusting.  I’m seriously thinking about protesting but their chicken is just so good.” This is the point where my brain has a little processing seizure and my mouth drops.  I guess I just can’t get over the fact that someone is compromising their beliefs for a flippin’ chicken sandwich. Where is the rigid spine, the sense of rightness gone wrong, the willing sacrifice to stand up in what you believe in? Can all of that disappear at the site of a cow holding an “eat mor chikin” sign?  Especially since the best way to hurt a business is to not partake in their product and send them a letter saying why you decide to forgo the delicious aroma of the crispy crust, the slight sweetness, the juiciness of the chicken, all served on a fluffy bun, the only one of its kind that actually tastes better if there’s a bit of pickle juice soaked in…yeah…okay…I kinda see your point.   

1. The Christmas Shoes song- I cannot imagine a worse song being made than this one.  If I don’t like songs it’s usually because they are annoying to listen to or auto-tuned to hell [see: U2/ Black Eyed Peas].  But this song is just terrible. Here are the reasons why:

a. The circumstances: I’m sorry but all I can think about is how terrible this is.  I can just imagine this little boy running out with a shoe box and there’s a freeze frame of him smiling and a banner going across saying “Loved ones are dying?  Say goodbye with capitalism!” and I even like capitalism. I don’t know if it was meant for him to be cute and misguided and people are to think this is a sweet attempt for a little boy to deal with his mother’s impending death but to do it by buying a pair of shoes?   It just comes off as being morbid.  I bet in five minutes I could write a better ending to this song.  Actually, you know what?  I am going to try. Okay this is my pathetic song writing attempt to try to come up with a better message than the current one…ready…GO!
“Son, come here for a moment.  Don’t you worry and do not cry.   It’s okay if the shoes stay here, let me tell you why. God made your momma perfect in every way he knew.  He would look beyond what she was wearing including that pair of shoes.  Her joy will be great as it will know no bounds.  She will dance among the stars, her feet will never touch the ground.  So go to her tonight, you are the best gift she’ll ever know and spend this last Christmas with her before God calls her home.”
This literally took me 2 minutes and 48 seconds to write.  I timed myself.  Granted some of the rhymes are forced but this message warms the very cockles of my protestant heart and gives a much better message than spend money on materialism for your dying mother.

b. Where is the father in all of this?  Yeah it’s a minor point but really, where’s the dad?  I know the case can be made where he’s with his dying wife but what father would let his (I presume) 5-6 year old boy go down to payless and buy a pair of shoes?  I mean he would have to give him money.  I can imagine this dad just giving him 60 bucks and saying “size 7 and she likes slingbacks.”

 c.  The intended message: This just kills me.  At the end of the song, they guy who ends up paying for the shoes thanks the Lord for sending the boy to remind him what Christmas is all about. So let me get this straight. This is a song about God giving a boy’s mother a terminal illness in order for him to try to buy a pair of shoes he can’t afford so some guy who is slightly depressed can be reminded what Christmas is all about. I have suddenly been rendered speechless. As much as I love the holidays, this is beyond the “Christmas spirit” message, it’s just human decency. Let’s say that I agree that his mother should have some shoes. I wouldn’t even hesitate if I saw this scene unfold before my eyes. You better believe those shoes would be purchased in full by me.  Hell, I would get her Gucci if I could afford it.  But this song seems like this guy would have some internal struggle about helping this kid pay for some shoes.  I can just imagine the inner monologue, “Well he is short ten dollars and it is Christmas.  Hey, it’s Buy One Get One half off today.  Okay, I’ll give him the money.”  This song is an epic failure. NewSong should be sacked.

4. Using hashtags on facebook- I guess the easiest way for me to explain this is by saying if I wanted a twitter like atmosphere I would have a twitter account. But now I’m starting to see this bleed over to facebook and I don’t see the point except to flesh out an obscure joke or comment.  Most of the time it’s not funny and it usually takes me more time to figure out the connection between the status and the hashtag.  I mean the whole point of hashtags is to allow people to categorize their entries so they’re easy to search for later.  I guess you might have a case when you’re linking your twitter account to facebook but 99 times out of 100 people don’t do this, so I don’t see the point. I’m on facebook so I don’t have to deal with #unintelligible @twitter #nonsense #with @everyone #in #the #universe…but I guess it was only a matter of time until we have a cross over. I’m not a fan of twitter mainly because I’m verbose and 140 characters wouldn’t cut it for me.  And to me twitter is more personal because it’s intended to catalog day to day actions than just generalizations.  With twitter I feel compelled to tell you what I’m doing every ten minutes. The only thing that I would think important enough to catalog that often and keep under 140 characters is my bodily functions and I don’t think people would subscribe to me if my twitters revolve around the phrase “gotta poo”. Maybe I’ll come around and be okay with this as it gets more prevalent but as of right now, hashtags and facebook don’t mix.

5. The phrase “No offense, but…”- Yeah I’ve been guilty of saying this too but the more I think about it the more I don’t like it.  People only say no offence if they know it’s going to offend. It’s almost like they’re trying to lessen the blow but whenever I hear no offence I take the following words that much harder.  I bet I would not be offended if someone would just say what they’re thinking, but the moment they say no offence, I become….eh, hostile is too strong of a word but I’m more primed to be offended.  To me saying no offense is like saying “I’m still going to say this hurtful thing but you can’t get mad at me because I prefaced it with the intent that even though I know it might hurt you, I’m saying it in a way so that I don’t get in trouble.”  So what, you say whatever you want and then you get a “get out of jail free” card by saying no offense? I still feel like crap on the other end but you feel justified in flapping your mouth? Or phrases like this, “No offence, but you’re an asshole.” That is an entire contradictory statement! How am I not to take offence to the fact that you just called me an asshole?  I guess it’s the irony?  No offence, but that's just stupid.